


Epihanies

by Ohorikoen



Category: The West Wing
Genre: F/M, Fluff, Humor, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-04-27
Updated: 2016-05-04
Packaged: 2018-06-04 22:33:30
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 14,285
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6677986
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ohorikoen/pseuds/Ohorikoen
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Donna realizes a few things about herself and Josh.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This is an old story that I wrote 4 years ago that I am finally getting around to posting here. It is probably full of grammar, spelling and verb tense errors but I'm too lazy to fix them now. I hope you like the story and laugh a few times while reading.
> 
> Part 1 is from's Donna's POV.

Josh doesn’t love me.

Josh doesn’t love me, Donna.

Joshua Lyman does not love Donnatella Moss.

The feelings behind those words, that sentence, should be overwhelming, but I have had a few months to become accustomed to the sentiment so it doesn’t affect me anymore. Yet, I still wake up each morning repeating those words over and over again. It is my new mantra, a reminder if you will, so that no matter what happens throughout the day I don’t get my hopes up, I don’t let me heart start to feel, start to believe for even a moment that things could be different, they aren’t and they never will be....  
So how did I get to this moment? It started very innocently a few months ago when Congressman Wade arrived for his 10:00am meeting. We were behind schedule, a shock I know, as Josh was still in the daily Senior Staff meeting. But I had always liked Congressman Wade, he’s like my favourite uncle, he always brings me a present and tells me I need to eat more, so I didn’t mind talking with him while waiting for Josh to arrive.

“He should only be a few more minutes. Are you sure you don’t want anything, water, coffee?” 

Hey, just because I refuse to get coffee for Josh doesn’t mean that I won’t get it for others. It is the principle of the situation with Josh, not the actual action which bothers me.

“No, Donna, I’m fine.”

“Okay, but really it should only be another minute.”

“You don’t have to babysit me Donna; I know how crazy things are around here. How crazy things are for Josh. That boy needs to slow down.”

I laugh silently to myself at Congressman Wade describing Josh as a boy, but I suppose when you’re in your late sixties everyone else is a boy. 

“That boy needs a life, you know, marriage, children, something besides work. He works too hard, going to have a heart attack any day now if he’s not careful,” the Congressman continued.

“Yeah...”, I respond half-heartedly. He’s not saying anything I don’t know, Josh does work too hard, but the idea of Josh with a wife and kids bothers me more than I should allow myself to admit because I can picture his children, his beautiful brown haired children...his children with Amy... yeah, he is back with her again. I don’t even think he realizes that I know he is back with her, but I do. 

I know what you are thinking now. It was her – it was Amy that prompted my new morning mantra. Well, she is partly to blame but unfortunately, I can’t put all the fault with her. And while we’re talking about Amy let’s just clarify a few things. I don’t want to be one of *those* woman, you know what I mean, the kind of woman who hates another woman just because she has what you want. It’s not Amy’s fault that Josh wants to be with her, so I shouldn’t take out my feelings on her. Plus Amy has never been horrible to me, I mean it’s not like we would ever be best friends hanging out at the spa together even if the ‘both wanting the same guy situation’ didn’t exist, but I don’t have anything against Amy (besides the whole Josh choosing her over me thing – which I no longer care about, remember my new mantra), she may be a little too aggressive at times but I can appreciate her dedication to the Sisterhood, even if I don’t approve of her methods, i.e.: attempting to screw over Josh. There is a quote that sums up my feelings towards Amy: “There’s a special place in hell for women who cut down other women.” So whatever I think about Amy, I going to keep those feelings to myself.

Anyway, where was I? Oh yeah, recounting the day my heart imploded inside my chest, you know a regular Thursday.  
So back to the conversation with Congressman Wade.

“That boy may work too hard, but that’s what makes him the bulldog that he is today. If Josh wants something badly enough he will stop at nothing to get it. He doesn’t mind playing dirty when he is fighting for something that he knows is important, that is the sign of a good man.”

He’s right; that is the kind of person Josh is, he will fight for something that matters. If he thinks something is important he will stop at nothing. I’ve heard these words before, probably spoken more eloquently than they are now, but there is something is the way Congressman Wade speaks that finally turns the light bulb on in my little blonde Wisconsin brain...  
Josh will stop at nothing to get something that matters to him.....he literally will stop at nothing...boy, am I stupid!  
If Josh wanted to be with me, he would have found a way by now, I mean it’s been 6 years, you think in 6 years Josh would have done something, anything really, for us to be together, had me transferred, talked to Leo and figured out a working arrangement, but instead nothing. The only possible explanation left is that Josh doesn’t love me. He would rather be with Amy, go to the movies with Amy, cook with Amy, sleep with Amy... he doesn’t want us to be together, he just wants me as the girl who does the thing and doesn’t get the coffee.

I honestly don’t know why this epiphany? Revelation? Which of those words has a negative connotation? I’m not sure, I could ask Sam, but he’s in California, I miss Sam...maybe I need a new word to describe this feeling, epiph-velation? Revel-phany? Not sure which sounds better – 

Hey, focus Donna, focus, remember your world is shattering before your eyes ... 

When the pain comes it is overwhelming, it feels like my heart has been placed inside of a vice, I am in physical pain. I unconsciously drop into my chair; the pain literally takes my legs out from under me. I place my hand to my chest as though by holding my heart it will stop ripping itself apart in my chest. No such luck.

By this time, the Congressman looks genuinely concerned for my well-being, and I don’t blame him. I am slumped over in my chair, eyes glazed over, clutching my chest. I must look like I’m dying, which I suppose in a way I am.  
Wow, way to be melodramatic there Donna, but honestly it does feel like a part of me is dying. 

I know the Congressman is speaking because his lips are moving but all I can hear is a low buzzing noise. The pain is too much; I am afraid I might embarrass myself and faint right here in the bullpen. I wonder if I would be the first person to die in the White House, probably not, but my gift for useless trivia has left me at the moment ... I don’t know how long I’ve been sitting here slumped over in my chair, the pain is so strong, the pain is overwhelming me, the pain is....gone?  
Huh?  
As quickly as the pain started, it stopped. I can feel my lungs fill back up with oxygen, my heart returns to its normal beating pattern and my hearing has returned. For some reason I think about those stories you see on the news, you know the ones where some poor schmuck has a knife through his head, or is impaled by a tree branch. When you see those stories you always think, “Wow, that’s got to hurt!” But the guy with a knife in his head says he doesn’t feel a thing, there is no pain. There is no pain because at a certain point the body shuts down in order to protect itself, it’s the body’s way of saying, “Okay there little buddy, we’re just gonna switch off some feeling receptors cause you definitely cannot handle this.” 

That is what my body has done now, in order to protect myself from the bone shattering pain, my body has gone completely numb and I feel nothing.

I stand up abruptly and almost crash into Congressman Wade. I forgot he was still here. If he looked disconcerted before, he looks positively perturbed now.

“Donna, are you alright?” 

“Yes, I’m fine. I must have eaten something earlier that didn’t agree with me, but I’m fine now. In fact I don’t think I have ever felt better. If you will excuse me I have to stop by the ladies’ room.”

I make a beeline for the restrooms. I need some time to deal with my epiph-velation, yeah I think that is the word I’m going with, without the watchful eyes of the congressman.

I splash some cold water on my face and look in the mirror. I don’t know what I’m expecting to see, but I can’t possibly look the same physically when everything about me internally has changed. Yet, when I peer into the mirror it is the same blue eyes, blonde hair and toothy smile staring back at me. 

I take a minute to wipe my face and take a few deep breaths. What I said to the congressman is true. I do feel fine; in fact, I can’t remember the last time I felt this...free? It is like an anvil has been lifted off my chest. Armed with this new knowledge that Josh doesn’t love me is in a way completely liberating. I no longer have to wonder, or hope that today might be the day that he finally realizes what is right in front of him. He does know what is in front of him, he just doesn’t want it.

I am about to make my way back to my desk when I hear a hesitant knock on the bathroom door.

“Donna, are you in there? Congressman Wade said you were sick, he’s really concerned that something is wrong...are you decent? Can I come in....?

Of course it’s Josh, the universe won’t even give with 5 minutes to adjust to my new ‘Josh-doesn’t-love me-reality’.

“Josh, I’m fine, just some bad cream cheese from my bagel this morning, and what do you mean am I decent? Why would I not be decent? I don’t normally take all my clothes off when I’m in the restroom you know.”

“I didn’t think you were naked, but a guy can hope.” Josh has now entered the bathroom and is standing right in front of me.  
I wait for the pain to return, it is one thing to know that I have no chance with Josh and accept that when we are not together, but with him standing right in front of me I am afraid the heart in a vice pain will return any moment now.

To my surprise and delight, because severe chest pain is not so fun, I still feel numb. No pain at all.

“Josh, really, I’m fine, just bad cream cheese. I’m sorry that I freaked out the congressman, I will go apologize to him.”  
“He doesn’t want an apology Donna; he was worried about you, as am I. You sure you’re okay?” The concern is evident is his brown eyes.

“I promise, everything is fine, now let’s get back to work.”

“I’m glad you’re fine and it was only bad cream cheese cause I’m trying really hard right now to not make a joke about Wisconsin and dairy products.” 

“I’m so glad you have managed to restrain yourself, now go away, you’re still in the ladies’ washroom” Josh looks around and realizes when he is.

“Okay, I’m leaving, but hurry up, after the Congressman I have no idea what I am supposed to do for the rest of the day so you need to go over my schedule again.” 

With that final parting shot, he quickly turns around and heads back towards the office.

Five minutes after Josh, I also leave the restroom and head back to my desk. The rest of the day passes by without incident, no more chest pains, no more delusions of a life with Josh, just a normal work day.

So that brings us to today. A few months later and things still stand as they did that day with the Congressman. Josh doesn’t love me and I feel numb. Not numb in a bad ‘I wanna cut myself to see if I can feel way’, just numb in a ‘I-feel-no-pain-way’, like after you leave the dentist, but you can still feel the anesthetic in your mouth way.

Actually I am pretty excited about day because Sam is coming for a visit. Yeah, he lost the election but he was really faced with an insurmountable task there. I was hoping that he would come back to work with us again but he decided that he needed to slow down and has decided to start practicing law again. Anyway, we are all going to meet for drinks tonight, the whole gang: CJ, Toby, Josh, and we might even drag Will along too.

The day passes quickly and here I am now sitting at the Hawk and Dove getting drunk with my friends. I really am in a great mood. The conversation in fun, my friends are great, the music is....oh, I love this song.

“Who wants to dance?” I quickly scan my tiny group of friends. 

Well, Toby is an automatic no, I can’t even imagine him dancing, I think the sight of Toby dancing would upset the balance of the earth like the space-time continuum opening up, which is a very bad thing based on how it is whispered about in those Sci-Fi movies.

“Josh?”

“No, Donna. You know I don’t dance.”

“Fine, Josh. You never want to do anything fun to me...with me...I mean you never want to dance.” How many whiskey sours have I had again?

“I’ll dance with you Donna.” Sam gallantly offers and leads me out to the dance floor. 

Out of the corner of my eye it looks like Josh is glaring at me but I can’t be sure and I don’t really care...much.

Dancing with Sam is great, I know I have mentioned this before but I really do miss him.

“So, Donna...I haven’t really had a chance to talk to you since you came out to California. What’s new with you?”  
When I first had my Josh epiphany the only person I thought I could talk to about it was Sam, but Sam was in California at the time; however, now he is standing in front of me and it seems like the perfect time.

“Well, Sam, something huge has kinda happened and I do want to talk to you about it but you have to promise not to say anything to anyone, even Josh, especially Josh.”

“Donna, of course I wouldn’t....”

“Promise Sam!”

“Okay, I promise. Is this about a guy?”

“Yeah, it is, but not in the way you think. A few months ago...” 

The music has changed and the loud pulsating noise is going to make a conversation really difficult unless I plan on shouting the whole time, which I do not.

I grab Sam’s hand and head out the back entry into a tiny parking lot.

“So, you were saying something about a guy.” Sam trails off, prompting me to continue my story.  
Now that I have Sam right in front of me I am so eager to finally talk about this that is all comes out in one big rush.  
“Oh, Sam, a few months ago, there was a congressman, and he was taking about Josh, but I was thinking about a knife in the head but the knife didn’t really hurt and that’s okay because it’s great Josh doesn’t love me....”

“What? Donna, slow down! Why are you talking so fast?”

“Why are you hearing so slow?”

“Donna, please tell me what’s going on.”

“Josh doesn’t love me.” I state slowly and clearly so he doesn’t get confused this time.

“What are you talking about? Did you two finally have the conversation? I don’t believe for a second that he doesn’t love you.”  
“No, we didn’t talk, I finally realized that he didn’t love me and I’m okay with that, in fact it’s great I don’t really feel anything anymore, I’m free now. Before I used to over analyze everything I did, everything he did, but now that I finally know that he doesn’t love me I can do all the things that I couldn’t do before because I was afraid of Josh’s reaction. I don’t have to be afraid anymore because now I know. It doesn’t matter what I do, he’s never going to love me.”

Another thought hits me, now I can finally ask Sam about the whole epiphany versus revelation connotation issue; oh, and Sam can weigh in on what is the better word, epiph-velation or revel-phany? I am about to ask Sam his opinion but he has this really strange look on his face, almost as though he is talking to...

“... a crazy woman. I leave for 8 months and you turn into a crazy person. The words that you are saying make you sound like a crazy person. You are now a crazy person.” Sam can’t seem to stop shaking his head at me. For some reason Sam doesn’t appear to be as excited as I am about Josh not loving me.

“Sam, this is great news. Do you know how many years I wondered what if...Now I don’t have to wonder anymore. It’s like I said before, I feel free. “

“Free to do what Donna?” Sam still doesn’t look any happier, in fact he has this look of pity on his face as though poor little Donna has finally lost her mind. Damn it, I don’t want pity. I want him to understand how great this is.

“Sex!” 

“What?” 

Oh, no, the pity look on Sam’s face is being replaced by the I’m talking to a crazy person look again.

“You see before, you know when I thought I had a chance with Josh, I didn’t really mind that he sabotaged my dates. And when I did date, I always felt a little uncomfortable before the sex because I felt in a weird way that I was cheating on Josh, like in my heart I was cheating on him. Plus, I felt bad for the guy because when I closed my eyes I wished it was Josh with me, but now, now I can have sex with whoever I want and I wouldn’t feel bad or even think about Josh.” I say that last sentence with a little uncertainty as I do still work 16 to 18 hours a day so I haven’t had the opportunity to verify the not thinking about Josh during sex with other men claim yet.

“Donna....”

“Sam, please, I want you to be happy for me. This is a good thing, please trust me. Now I get to have lots of sex with whoever I want, hell, I could sleep you.” I am trying to lighten the mood here, but it doesn’t seem to be working.

“Donna, I’m flattered but you’re like a baby sister to me....” Sam now looks pretty uncomfortable with this conversation.  
“Hey! I’m an attractive woman, Sam. Men want to sleep with me you know. Just because you’re not interested doesn’t mean other aren’t.”

Okay for the record I don’t want to sleep with Sam, he was right describing me as his baby sister. I do see him like an older brother but I’m not really in the mind set right now to deal with more rejection; first Josh, now Sam.

“I never said you weren’t attractive Donna. You are a beautiful woman and I am sure that many men hit on you.” Sam looks desperate to say anything that will turn me from the crazy woman he sees in front of him now back to the normal Donna he knew before he left for California. 

I can tell he is trying to placate me now, so I want to make him suffer a little more.

“So, what you’re saying is that if we didn’t know each other and we just met in a bar you would find me attractive enough to hit on me with the hope that I would sleep with you?”

“Yes, Donna, if I didn’t know you and we just met I would want to sleep with you.”

Sam barely gets the words out of his mouth before we hear....

“There is no way in hell that you’re sleeping with Donna, Sam!”

Why? 

Why lord do you hate me so? What have I done to you that the fates would have Josh walk into our conversation at that exact moment??

Argh! The next few minutes are going to make for the most awkward conversation...


	2. Chapter 2

There’s something rotten in Denmark...or more specifically there’s something rotten with Donna.

Okay, so I’m not Shakespeare, but my point is something fishy is going on.

What you may ask, well if I knew that I wouldn’t be sitting here at The Hawk and Dove brooding by myself while Sam makes a fool of himself dancing with Donna.

You see, the thing is Donna has been acting strange lately, strange because I think she may be ... happy?

I know what you’re thinking, “but Josh, if Donna is happy shouldn’t you be happy for her as one friend would be for another?”

 In theory, yes, in actuality, no. 

I say no for two reasons; one, because I have no idea what’s the cause of this new happiness.  Second and the most important reason is that I am pretty damn sure I am not the cause of Donna’s new happy state and if Donna is going to be happy about something it had better be because of me.

There hasn’t been anything happening lately that should be making Donna happy.  In fact, there are a myriad, a plethora, a cornucopia (760 Verbal, baby) of reasons for her to be *unhappy* right now.  First Hoynes, then Zoey, these things should be sending Donna running for the hills, but instead she doesn’t seem fazed at all.

Besides Hoynes and Zoey that are two major reasons why Donna should not only be angry in general, but pissed at me at me specifically.

The first reason: Amy.  Okay, okay, so I might have slipped up once or twice, going back to Amy, but it was only for sex, okay in the spirit of being honest it may have been more like 3 or 4 times, but it didn’t really mean anything.  Don’t get me wrong, I do care about Amy, I cared about her a lot at one time, but I realized that she and I are never going to work out, we are too much alike, but I’m a guy and I’m not going to say no to sex with a beautiful woman.  However, this Amy re-dux is over, for good this time, really, it is not healthy for either of us to continue to sleep together when we both know that she is not the woman I wish I was waking up next to every morning.

The second reason why Donna should be pissed at me is the new kid, Ryan.  While I didn’t have anything directly to do with him being appointed to my office the fact is he is here and there is nothing I can do to get rid of him.  The kid is seriously cutting into my daily Donna time, plus he is taking over tasks that I know Donna likes doing, things beyond her normal assistant duties.  I know that Donna has been feeling a little underutilized lately and I did have a grand plan to expand her role, okay so maybe not a grand plan, but I had definitely been thinking about talking to Leo about officially expanding Donna’s role within my department.  But now that Ryan is here instead of giving her more to do she appears to have become a glorified babysitter to the kid.

So you can see why I’m confused, Donna should be pissed at me, but instead nothing.  Well I shouldn’t say nothing, she has been happy.  In fact she has been acting in a way I haven’t seen in a long time, she has been bringing back the funny and the mindless trivia. 

For example, the other day she was complaining about how slow the new budget process was taking.

“Rome wasn’t built in a day, Donna.” I solemnly informed her.

“It was, however, sacked by Charles V and his forces in one of the most violent attacks in Military history.”  Her blue eyes were practically shinning when imparting this completely useless piece of inane knowledge.

I know I pretend to be bothered by her spouting off pointless trivia, but the truth is I love it, and I have missed it.  She used to talk about this stuff all the time: OSHA, Indonesian witches, philately (my personal favourite) but she hasn’t imparted anything useless for a while now, not since before Jack, before Amy, hell, even before Cliff.

She has been bringing back the banter too.  The first time I noticed it was when Toby wanted my help with a thing he was working on, I had no desire to help Toby, but I was close to caving since I was feeling kinda guilty with him being a new dad and all, the poor schmuck is probably getting no sleep at all.

I had just cleared my throat, desperately trying to think of an excuse when I heard Donna speak up from the other side of my desk.

“Josh, you have that meeting with Representative Roser on the Hill today, if you help Toby you’ll be late.”

“Oh, yeah, sorry Toby, maybe you can get Will to help out.”

With a grunt Toby stalked off down the hall.  I turned to look at Donna over the top of my desk.  She was sitting quietly in the visitor’s chair awaiting her instructions for the day.

“Do you have the files for the meeting with Roser or did you put them in my bag already?”

“Sorry, what meeting with Roser?”

“The one you said I was going to be late for, the one that is stopping me from helping Toby with his thing?  The one I thought was next week.”

“It is next week.”  She has this sly toothy smile on her face, I love that smile. I’ve missed that smile.

“Marry me.” The words are out of my mouth before I even have the chance to process the meaning behind them.  It was a joke of course, or sort of a joke, yeah it was a joke.

“Go away, Josh.” With that she quietly slipped out of my office.

So do you think that was a yes?  It wasn’t a no, right?

But it didn’t stop there, just last week more wonderful banter.  I didn’t realize how much I missed bantering with Donna until it was gone. 

I remember I was particularly unimpressed with the level of talent that had been assigned to my office in the wake of the Hoynes situation.

“These ‘helpers’ aren’t really helping, that new woman can’t even spell.”

“They are unpaid college interns, Josh.” She is trying to give me her stern look, very cute. Okay, not cute, mental note: think of a manlier word than cute.

“Aren’t they supposed to teach people basic grammar in school before they even get to college?  Every time I go online, I see people using the contraction for “it is” for the possessive form, using ‘there’ for ‘their’....”

“Josh! Have you been on LemonLyman again?”

“No!”  Yes. God, please don’t let CJ find out.

“I’m sorry Josh that we all can’t be Fulbright scholars.  Do you want me to remind the new girl that there is a spell check option on all modern computers?”

“Civilization will fail.  You mark my words, Donna.  If people can’t spell, it’s just a short jump to not being able to read instructions at all.  Chaos will result.”

“Chaos will not result from people not reading instructions.  You seem to do it on a daily basis without incident.” Oh, cheeky Donna.  I’ve also missed cheeky Donna.

“Wait until some idiot strikes a match next to an oxygen tank and tell me that again.”

I know what you’re thinking, all this banter is a good thing, this is a positive sign that my relationship with Donna is back on the right track, vintage Josh and Donna if you will.  But the problem is not with what she is saying, it is *how* she is saying it.  To borrow a phrase from Sam, Donna and I are all about subtext.  Nothing that we say to each other is what it appears to be, but recently, despite our banter, it appears our conversations lack subtext, they are all *text* for lack of a better term.

Donna may be smiling at me and bringing the funny, but she is not bringing the flirting.  Her side of our conversations are less about philately and more about, you know, actual stamp collecting.

So back to my original problem, why is Donna so happy?  If it is not work that is making her happy and it is not me that is making her happy than what or who is it?

I really hope it is not a who.  I just got rid of Captain Wonderful, and by me getting rid of him, I of course mean the guy was such a jackass that he threw Donna under the bus and hightailed it to Italy. Okay, so maybe he was transferred without his knowledge or consent, but I like to think it was karma working in reverse.  You know, the universe already knew that he was not the right guy for Donna so they put him in a position to do something that would get him transferred because the universe knew that eventually Jack would take advantage of Donna’s innocent nature.  All right, so that might be a highly illogical and complicated thought, but I’m going to go with it because it makes Captain Wonderful out to be the jackass that he is.

So my point is I can’t deal with another gomer right now.  I know that is completely hypocritical of me considering the whole Amy situation but men are rarely logical when it comes to women. 

I’m just trying to figure out when she would have had time to meet a new gomer.  To say things have been insane around here would be an understatement.  First we had Hoynes and his mistress, then Zoey’s kidnapping, then, God help us, Bingo Bob, so we have been doing 16 to 18 hours a day easily.  So you can see why it would be difficult for her to meet anyone new, let alone become this unreasonably happy in just a few months.  Which means if it is a gomer it would probably have to be someone who she already knows, like some gomer who works with us.

So now I’m trying to think of what jagoff would have the audacity to try and date my Donna.

Okay, so before you go all CJ, feminist Nazi, on me I know that I do not own Donna. This is not 1950. She is her own woman; she makes her own decisions.  She is a smart, intelligent, beautiful, independent woman, who doesn’t need a man to validate her confidence or self-worth (despite what I may have said to her on an unfortunate night a few years back).

Okay, so now that that is out of the way, Donna is mine. 

I think I have made that pretty clear over the last 5 years to all of the male employees at the White House, so who hasn’t gotten the memo?  The only name that pops into my head is the new guy, Will.  I haven’t really gotten to know him that well and if it is him who thinks he can swoop in and take Donna away from me then I am going to get to know him pretty well soon, very up-close and personal in a way that he is not going to like.

So this is what I am thinking about sitting here in The Hawk and Dove, the possibility that Donna is in some way happy because of a new relationship with the bespectacled boy wonder Will Bailey.  What I should be doing is enjoying the fact that Sam has returned from California for a visit.

It’s nice to have the whole gang together again, CJ, Toby, Sam, and Donna.  This is the way it should be, the way it was meant to be, we are the original group who got a relatively unknown governor elected to the highest office in the country.  Twice.

It is also nice to spend some time out of the office with Donna.  Obviously, it would be better if we were alone, but beggars can’t be choosers as the saying goes, so I will take what I can get at this point.  She is sitting across from me at the table, drinking her whiskey sour.  Donna looks very happy, sipping on her drink, head bopping along to the music.

Will Bailey has not accompanied us on our little group outing.  I was supposed to ask him to join us, but he wasn’t in his office when I went by, at least that is the story that I’m going with. So Will is not with us but Donna still looks happy, so maybe I have this situation wrong, this makes me feel relieved yet frustrated all at the same time.  If Donna’s new mood is not related to Will Bailey that means there is still a gomer out there that I have to find and intimidate.  Hey, I can be intimidating when the occasion calls for it.

Anyway I am trying my hardest right now to enjoy my view of Donna without actually, you know, staring at her when I see her eyes light up.  For a horrible moment I think her gomer has walked in and she is excited to see him.

“Who wants to dance?” Donna asks, scanning our group, trying to find a victim who she can drag out onto the dance floor.

Okay, you are probably thinking why don’t I dance with Donna?  It is the perfect opportunity to get close to her, hold her without anyone giving it a second thought.  I mean of course my hands would have to linger on her back and hips, that’s how you dance.  But as strong as my desire is to get close to Donna, my ability to remain vertical after 3 beers is very much in question.

Another reason for my hesitation to join Donna on the dance floor is the rarely discussed age difference between us.  It’s funny, you would think that the one place that our 13 year age gap would be noticeable would be while we are at work.  But that’s not the case, at work, more than anywhere else we feel like equals.  Donna has a sharp mind and even if she is unfamiliar with a particular subject we are working on, she picks things up quickly.

No, the place where our age difference would be blazingly obvious is in the middle of a dance floor, packed with 20 somethings.  An age group that Donna belongs to and....I do not.

So instead of wrapping my arms around her and leading her out to the dance floor I mutter, “No, Donna.  You know I don’t dance.”

“Fine, Josh. You never want to do anything fun to me...with me...I mean you never want to dance.” 

Excuse me?

What did she just say? 

I never want to anything fun to her?

To her? 

Can I stop for a minute and provide you with a very long list of all the things that I have imagined doing to her over the last six years? The top of the list of course involves me slowly peeling off a Catholic school girl uniform from her lithe body.

“I’ll dance with you Donna.” Sam gallantly offers.

I would love to continue imagining stripping Donna of her clothes and allow my thoughts to reach its natural conclusion, but unfortunately my supposed best friend has taken it upon himself to escort Donna to the dance floor.

Judas.

Logically and intellectually, I know that there has never been and never will be anything romantic between Sam and Donna.  They have this brother/sister vibe going on, but logic and intelligence are very often overridden by irrational emotions.

I simply don’t like to watch Donna being held by another man, even if that man is my best friend.

I am sitting back watching Donna and Sam dance while CJ and Toby carry on a conversation around me that I am only half pretending to pay attention to.

“What you looking at, mi amore?”

 Shit, I think CJ just asked me a question. 

Oh crap, CJ is now following my eye line and it is very obvious that I am staring daggers at Sam.

Okay, I had better stall and use my razor sharp wit to distract her.

“Huh?”

 Yes, ladies and gentlemen, you have just witnessed the political genius mind that is Joshua Lyman at work.  Try not to be blown away by its awe inspiring prowess.

“Oh, idiot boy, really? Sam? You are getting bent out of shape over Sam?”  CJ is giving me this look, as though she is talking to a very special and very stupid puppy.

“I have no idea what you’re talking about.”  I hear the words leave my mouth but they don’t even sound convincing to my own ears.

“Josh, I mean really....”

“CJ, I am not having this conversation with you right now or ever for that matter.” I cut her off before she has a chance to continue.  Whatever I feel for Donna, I think that I should talk to Donna about it before anyone else, right?  That seems like the reasonable thing to do.

While I am contemplating that thought, I notice that Donna has taken Sam by the hand and is leading him out the back entrance.  What the hell is that about? 

I down the rest of my beer, ignoring CJ and Toby who are giving me a strange look as I abruptly stand up and exit our table in an attempt to follow them out the back door.  However, my progress is being seriously impeded by the horde of people who have all decided at the same time that they apparently must dance to whatever loud noise the DJ is currently playing.

I attempt to be polite at first, muttering apologies as I push my way through the masses.  I have not made much progress and my mind is racing wondering what Sam and Donna could be doing in the agonizing amount of time it is taking me to get across this damn bar so I give up being nice and start simply moving people out of my way.

Finally, after what seems like an eternity, I reach the back exit.  I practically slam open the door and look around the parking lot for the familiar figures of my two best friends.  I can see them deep in conversation, so deep that they don’t notice my presence.  I can’t make out what they are saying but I can tell their discussion looks serious.

I am about to let them know that they are not alone in the parking lot when I hear Sam say, “...I would want to sleep with you.”

My mind can barely process what I’ve just heard before I am practically screaming at Sam.

“There is no way in hell that you’re sleeping with Donna, Sam!”

I mean what the hell! What the hell!!

Sam is my best friend, he can’t sleep with Donna.  He shouldn’t even be thinking about *thinking about* maybe wanting to sleep with Donna.

All of a sudden, I feel this completely irrational urge to punch Sam when I hear a sharp intake of breath to my left.

 It is Donna and she looks mortified.

“Josh, how long have you been standing there for?”  Even in the dark parking lot, lit by only one small street lamp I can see a red blush plastered across her cheeks.

I can tell she is trying to gauge how much of the conversation between her and Sam I have managed to overhear.  God, does that mean there is more?  How much worse could it be than Sam wanting to sleep with Donna?  Does Donna want to sleep with Sam too?  Is this what she has been trying to hide the past few months?  She wants to start a relationship with Sam?

I tell myself to breath, but I wish I could just lay against a wall and calm down.  Think Josh!  There is no way that Donna and Sam are involved.  Sam has been in California for the past 8 months.  Maybe they have some sort of long distance thing going on? But no, Sam is staying in California to practice law again so what future would they have living on different coasts unless....

I can barely look Donna in the eyes as I ask the question, which depending on her answer may completely destroy me.

“Are you leaving me?” 


	3. Chapter 3

So as Leo would put it, I having a bit of a day.

When I woke up this morning, everything seemed normal. No signs of the apocalypse, no flying pigs, no meteorites falling to earth, Democrats were still in charge of the country. I just can’t seem to pinpoint the exact moment everything went straight to hell.

You know what I need? Instead of a normal alarm clock that just rings to let you know it is time to get up, I need an alarm that is going to tell me about my day. Some sort of psychic alarm that could have told me this morning:  
“**Ring** Ring**, time to get up, and, oh, Donna at some point tonight you are going to hilariously proposition one of your best friends for sex while the love of your love walks into the conversation at the exact wrong time, so maybe you just might wanna sit this one out.”

I wonder if I could get NASA to start working on manufacturing those. Hmm, I guess we would need actual psychics though, that’s a bit of a sticky wicket. Although those physicists have that ‘Theory of Everything’, so they must have figured something out about being able to tell the future. I should ask Josh about that, he never did shut up about that damn theory a few years ago...

Oh, yeah, Josh.

Josh is here.

Josh is here in the parking lot with Sam and me.

Josh is here in the parking lot where he just heard Sam says he wants to sleep with me.

Could things be any worse? I mean...Oh God, they could be worse; Josh might have heard me say that I think about him during sex with other men.

“Josh, how long have you been standing there for?” God, I hope it is dark enough that he can’t see how badly I am blushing right now.

I desperately need to find out exactly how much of the conversation Josh may have overheard, when I hear him barely whisper, “Are you leaving me?” 

For some reason Josh seems unable to look me in the eyes when talking to me now, which is just great because it is such a confidence builder when your best friend is physically incapable of looking at you.

But back to his insane question - Am I leaving him?

First, I’m not sure how I could leave *him*, since his is not mine to leave, but who does he think I am leaving him for? Surely, he’s not dumb to take my conversation with Sam seriously. Well there’s no point delaying the inevitable.

“Leaving you for who?” 

“Sam. Are you leaving me for Sam?” 

What the what?

Well, I guess he actually is that dumb. Sam? I mean I love Sam, he is like my older brother, but that doesn’t mean I want to move to California. My alabaster skin definitely could not handle the sun. Does Josh really think that I am running away to have sex with Sam in California, I mean if I wanted to sleep with Sam there are plenty of beds available in DC.

So faced with a situation so awkward that if I were to discuss it with another human being they would think I was talking about a bad episode of ‘Three’s Company’ (when really if you think about it was there ever a good episode of ‘Three’s Company), instead of my life, I go back to the one thing that has gotten me through 6 years of being in love with Joshua Lyman.

Misdirection.

You see I don’t want to even contemplate the thought that Josh now knows, because I very stupidly – confessed to Sam, that I might on occasion, or every occasion for that matter, think about Josh during sex with other men (Bad Donna!).

It’s not like I am a stranger to humiliation, oh no, we are very close friends actually humiliation and I, best friends forever if you will, we go all the way back to Grade 1, when I was too shy (I know, imagine a world where I was shy and scared of talking) to ask Mr. Wilder, my teacher, if I could go to the washroom. At the time Grade 1 seemed so much scarier than kindergarten, no more nap time, no more milk and cookies in the morning, so instead of asking, what my 6 year old mind perceived to be an ogre of a teacher to please be excused from the class, I simply peed my pants during reading circle. 

And can I say that my road to humiliation has been all downhill from there. 

I mean there was the Minsk candle incident; it is never fun when a whole airport terminal has to be evacuated because of your smuggling tendencies. 

Oh, and I will never, and believe me I have tried, I will never forget about the Underwear Incident (I refuse to say the word panties as I am no longer 7 years old). That was a special level of humiliation, having my undergarments paraded about the bullpen for all to see. Of all the ways I have imagined Josh coming into contact with my underwear, and there have been many, having him fondle them in front of Sam in the White House actually never made it to the fantasy list.

So I realize that the only way to handle this particular level of humiliation with Josh is to try and meet it head on using misdirection and humour.

I turn towards Josh and snap my fingers to get his attention. That man really needs to start looking me in the eyes.

“So let me get this straight, according to your Josh-logic, you rudely interrupt someone’s conversation, and then during that rude interruption you overhear Sam, who is your best-friend by the way, saying rather innocently that in a purely non-reality based hypothetical way he would sleep with me, the next logical conclusion you reach is me running away to California to live in sin with Sam? Does that sum up things pretty well?” 

I make sure I keep eye contact with Josh the whole time so he can see how ridiculous he is being.

I mean really, while I am thanking the Gods that Josh seems to have missed the first part of my conversation with Sam (i.e.: him not loving me, sex with other men) and I do love Josh, it is just sometimes I think that my little Abner, with his secret plan to fight inflation, is too stupid to live.

Plus, I just don’t know how this conversation is happening. I thought the “dump all over Donna and make her life miserable” was over at least for a little while. Things have been amazing these last few months, okay so Hoynes resigned in disgrace, Zoey was brutally kidnapped, my job description suddenly included becoming a glorified babysitter, Josh started having sex with Amy again, and I discovered that Josh was never going to love me, but really just subtract those small life shatteringly horrific events and things have been great.

Honestly.

Actually, I thought my relationship with Josh has evolved into something new, yet familiar. It kinda felt like we were back to the old bantering pattern that we first created all the way back during the Bartlett for America campaign. Now, without the possibility of proclamations of love and affection from Josh I found myself more comfortable and relaxed in his presence. 

Before there had always been a spark of possibility when we flirted, as though we were both playing a game of chicken, except instead of hurdling towards each other in cars at a high rate of speed we would both tease each other with some inappropriate comments, waiting to see who would be the first to walk away. Inevitably, one of us would find an innocent way out of the conversation and we would pretend like the flirting hadn’t happened.

Recently our conversations had returned to their bantering goodness just minus the flirting, we’re talked about the budget, grammar challenged interns, hell, I even got him out of a thing with Toby. And any time you can get out of a thing with Toby, it is a good day.

There was even a moment when he asked me to marry him. At one time those words would have stopped my heart in its chest; I would have lived off of the happiness of Josh’s mock proposal for weeks, but post ephip-velation I know that Josh was being, well, Josh and those words meant nothing.

I should also clarify that just because I have accepted the fact that Josh doesn’t love me, my own feelings for him didn’t just suddenly disappear. After 6 years of being in love with Josh Lyman I unfortunately could not go cold-turkey, I need more of a gradual withdrawal; I need my very own methadone clinic to help wean me off of him. So while I am still in love with Josh, the actually feelings themselves have changed. 

My feelings for Josh are now the same feelings I have for chocolate. Hmm, chocolate. You know intellectually that too much chocolate is a very bad thing; you can get fat, you open yourself up to a variety of diseases (heart disease, diabetes), but as much as you tell yourself that you are never going to have chocolate again the next thing you know you have eaten half a box of Godiva chocolates in one sitting. So it really is impossible to cut chocolate out of your life completely, you can’t just go cold turkey. But on a positive note, you also know that chocolate in a limited quantity, according to the doctor, is actually healthy; there are antioxidants in chocolate that are good for the body.

Thus my relationship with Josh is like my relationship with chocolate. Pre ephip-velation my thoughts always revolved around finding ways to spend as much time as possible with Josh in a desperate bid to show him that I was the woman for him.

Since I was never strong enough to say the words aloud, I loved him the only way I could, by taking care of him, monitoring his diet, organizing his office, keeping him on track professionally. 

Now, I enjoy the time I spend with Josh at the office, but I don’t overdo it, no extra time outside of the office unless we are in a group or it is an absolute necessity. Like having only a small quantity of chocolate, I am slowly weaning myself off Joshua Lyman.

I should also say that I know Josh loves me, I mean as a best friend. The man has done so many things for me over the years. Besides giving me a job, when I was woefully under qualified, he has tried to get a presidential proclamation for Mrs. Menello, he wrote an inscription in The Art and Artistry of Alpine Skiing that will be with me until the day I die, and God, he helped me cover up a lie to congress, something that could have cost him everything.

So I know that Josh loves me, he is just not in love with me, and there is a huge difference between those two statements.

So back to my plan - misdirection appears to be working as I can practically see the little hamster in Josh’s brain sitting in his wheel mulling over my words.

“So, you’re not leaving me for Sam?” He is still having a hard time looking me in the eyes when he says this.

Of course, trust Josh to pick out the part of any conversation that focuses on him.

“No, Josh. I will still be at the office tomorrow answering your phone, organizing your schedule, and not getting your coffee.”

He slowly lifts his eyes towards mine, as though he is looking for something in my face that shows him that everything is going to be fine.

Whatever it was that he was looking for apparently he found because I can see the relief written all over Josh’s face.

Okay, okay, I think the coast is clear; I am going to make it out of this conversation with my small sense of self-intact.

“Yeah, yeah, of course you’re not leaving me for Sam, god, too many beers. Sorry, Donna, I mean why would you leave me for Sam? God, and you sleeping with Sam, like that would ever happen, there’s no way you would ever sleep with Sam.” 

 

Great, things are good, so now we are just going to walk out of this parking lot, go back inside, have way too much to drink and enjoy some of the very little free time we have laughing with our friends. Maybe one day in the future we will all laugh at how ridiculous this situation is and….

“You know Josh, you really have no say over who Donna sleeps with, if Donna and I decide to change the nature of our relationship it really has nothing to do with you.”

Noooooooooooo.

What. Is. Happening.

Did Sam not get the memo, the one that clearly illustrated that my misdirection plan was working fine and we were about to get out of the most awkward conversation in the history of man unscathed.

“Sam…” I really need to ask Sam what the hell he is doing before the train really goes off the rails.

“Excuse me? Are you standing in front of me telling me that you are actively trying to get Donna into bed?” 

Oh, goodbye relief filled Josh, hello irrational angry and protective Josh, it has been a while, nice to see you again.

I need an exit strategy. Fast.

“Of course that is not what Sam means, he is just playing around, he…”

“Whatever my intentions are towards Donna, they are not something that I would have to justify with you. This is a conversation that involves only Donna and myself.” 

I am getting real tired, real fast of these two morons interrupting me.

I don’t know what Sam’s game is, just seconds before Josh joined us in the parking lot Sam appeared absolutely disturbed by my joking about sex between us, now all of a sudden he is talking to Josh as though we were about to consummate our relationship right here next to the Honda Civic.

“You go to California and come back as some sort of west coast asshole? So, yeah when you stand in front me talking about how you are trying to take advantage of my intoxicated friend you’re damn straight you have to justify yourself to me.” I can actually see the rage burning in Josh’s eyes when he says this.

Josh and Sam have been unconsciously moving closer to each during their tense conversation. I am now standing off to the side watching two best friends fight about having sex with me. If this situation wasn’t so pathetic, pathetic because I know that in fact neither of these men actually *want* to sleep with me, I would laugh.

“Josh! Don’t talk to Sam that way; no one is trying to take advantage of anyone. Really this whole conversation is getting really silly, I mean…” 

“What are you accusing me of Josh?”

“I think you know exactly what I am accusing you of.”

My God. 

I just realize that I have been transported into some sort of weird alternate reality because I am currently experiencing Soap Opera Talking.

What is Soap Opera Talking you may ask?

Well you know how on soap operas, and please do not even try and pretend that you have never seen a soap before, because you have and lying is very unattractive.

Anyway, so you know how when you are watching a soap and some people are talking then suddenly two of the people will break away to have their own side conversation, they literally step 3 feet way to continue their private conversation but for some unknown reason that 3 feet of space has created some sort of hearing vortex. Three feet and all of sudden they think that the poor yutz they walked away from can’t hear them talking. I don’t know about you, but if I slightly separate from a group of people my hearing still functions just fine because I don’t live in a soap opera.

This is the situation I am currently in, Sam and Josh are having a conversation literally 3 feet away from me, yet they continue on as though I can’t hear them.

Even though their strained conversation is about me neither of them has the decency to acknowledge my presence.

I can’t do this.

I can put up with a whole lot of humiliation, as previously discussed, but I just can’t do this.

The only thought going through my head right now is that I can’t be a part of this anymore, not after 4 whiskey sours, or was it 5? I have no idea, but I know I am not drunk enough to be a part of this anymore. 

I can’t stand outside in a dark parking lot listening to Sam and Josh argue about the merits of who has and who doesn’t have the right to sleep with me.

I can’t explain to Josh that I finally figured out that he doesn’t love me because then I would have to explain how for the past 6 years I had hoped of a future between us.

I can’t bear to see the pity in his eyes as he realizes that poor naïve Donna has been foolishly harbouring feelings that are obviously unrequited.

There actually are some humiliations in life that I just can’t bear.

I can’t.

I can’t.

I can’t.

I can’t.

I notice that Sam and Josh have stopped their tense stand-off and are both staring at me.

It becomes clear to me that I have been muttering, “I can’t” out loud instead of in my head as I thought.

At this realization, I do what any intelligent, reasonable adult would do when presented with an uncomfortable situation.

Run away like a little girl.


	4. Chapter 4

Well, I feel like an idiot. I’ve been walking up and down the street aimlessly for what feels like forever, but in reality is probably closer to 20 minutes. I also think I scared the crap out of CJ and Toby when I ripped passed them and grabbed my purse without even saying a word.

I don’t know what running away was going to accomplish. Maybe I’ll just hail a cab and take off to Canada. Free health care, polite people, I think I can handle the winters; they are probably the same as Wisconsin. I mean where did I think I could escape to? It’s not like I’m never going to see Josh again; in fact, I’m supposed to be at work in, oh god, 6 hours. Sometimes I hate my life.

I also know Josh well enough to know that he is not going to just drop this, no, no; he will show up at my apartment to snark me about running away like a scared rabbit or worse he’ll do it at work where there is a great possibility that public embarrassment will occur. 

I really need to stop walking before I end up god knows where. Now that I have had some time to calm down, I realise that there is no point in delaying the inevitable so I hail a cab and reel off an address.

***********************************************************************************

I know that I am a master political operative used to making Republicans crumble before me like a house of cards, and I have cultivated a bit of a reputation of being a hard ass, where it is not uncommon for people to scurry away from me when I am in a particularly bad mood. But I have never seen Donna so anxious to get away from me and I gotta say I don‘t enjoy this feeling at all.

Alright, so Sam and I have been behaving like two 6 year-olds fighting over a sandbox, shit, this is not how I imagined my evening going. I was supposed to hang out with my best friends, welcome Sam back, and spend some much needed quality time with Donna. Instead, I got into a dick-measuring contest with Sam, which, by the way I would win; I have seen the man in the locker room showers.

I should probably start acting like an adult again, I’m the Deputy Chief of Staff, God damn it.

“Poor Donna, we’ve really been acting like jackassess.” Sam muses.

“Well, maybe you should go offer her some comfort, she seemed pretty interested before.”

Okay, so maybe I am not quite ready to act like a grown-up just yet.

“She’s my friend too Josh. I’m allowed to be concerned for her. I’m allowed to love her too.”

“Apparently you’re really trying to love her...”

I know I sound like a petulant child, but I just can’t seem to keep my mouth shut. It has always been this way with Donna. Every time some gomer, some man, shows the slightest interest in her , I do my best to undermine and mock them so Donna can see that these men are not good enough for her; however, most of the time it only makes me seem like a kid forced to share his favourite toy, cause really that’s what Donna is. Not a toy obviously, but she is my favourite thing, I mean favourite person and I don’t want to share her, hell, I don’t know why I should have to share her with anybody.

“Stop it, Josh. Stop it and listen to me very carefully. You may be confused about your feelings for Donna, but the rest of us are pretty clear on how you feel, so how could you think that I, as your oldest and closest friend, would in some way attempt to seduce or worse take advantage of Donna. Why would you think that I was like that?” The hurt and anger are clearly evident in Sam’s eyes.

I’m an asshole.

“Sam, I don’t think...I mean you were the one saying you would sleep with Donna and I thought...God, I don’t think you’re like that, I don’t.”

And I don’t, I don’t really think that Sam would try to take advantage of Donna. There is no way that Sam could take advantage of anyone. Sam is as innocent as a puppy, sure, he might accidently sleep with prostitutes every now and again, but he is the kind of guy who refuses to abandon a friendship with a call-girl because he is loyal to a fault.

“Sam, I really am sorry. It’s just the idea of you and Donna bothers me, which is ridiculous because you and Donna are free to do whatever you want, I mean...”

“Shut up, Josh. There is nothing going on between Donna and me, as you are well aware of, despite anything you may have overheard. However, there is definitely something going on with Donna that you need to talk to her about.”

“Aha! I knew it! I knew something was up. My keen powers of observation were not wrong, Sir. She has been acting twitchy lately. Victory is mine!”

“Oh, yeah, let’s make this about you and your keen powers of observation as opposed to, you know, whatever the hell is going on with Donna.”

“Hell? My God, this must be serious as Sam Seaborn is actually swearing.”

“Josh, for once in your life, could you please focus on the parts of a conversation which don’t involve how wonderful and smart you are.”

“Sorry, Sam. But I would like to point out again that I was right about Donna acting strange. So what did Donna say to you? Why do you think something is up with her?”

I can see Sam hesitate, as I already know, one of Sam’s greatest qualities is his absolute loyalty, but I am also counting on the fact that the man can’t keep a secret to save his life, which is something you really want is a political player, to work to my advantage. 

“Come on Sam. How am I going to help Donna if I don’t know what the hell is going on?”

I know it is somewhat cheap; but I need to work on Sam’s compulsive need to rescue people in order for him to spill it about Donna.

“I’m not...the thing is, okay, what, if any, of the actual specifics of this situation are completely up to Donna to tell or not tell you. But, as I have already mentioned, Donna is my friend and I care about her, so I am a little concerned about her current state of mind right now. She has come to some suspect conclusions lately and I think you need to talk to her and help...straighten out this whole situation.”

“Suspect conclusions? Are we in some Agatha Christie novel? Does Donna think that Larry used a candle stick to whack Ed in the library?”

“Okay, well, first off Agatha Christie has nothing to do with the board game Clue; second, I don’t think you are in any position to....”

“Sam! How many times am I going to have to ask what the hell is going on before I can get a straight answer from you?” 

“You need to talk to her, Josh. I mean really talk to her, about everything.”

“What do you mean everything? I talk to her every day you know. Wait, she said she’s not leaving, she wasn’t lying about that right?”

Just the thought of Donna leaving causes a sharp tightening pain in my chest. When I have more time I should probably work out why the idea of not seeing Donna every day causes me physical pain. Obviously not now, but someday I should figure that out.

“No, Josh, we didn’t talk about her leaving, we didn’t even talk about work.”

“Okay.” I release a huge sigh of relief, one crisis averted. “If you didn’t talk about work, then what did you talk about?”

I can see Sam hesitating again, so maybe it is not going to be so easy to crack Mr. Seaborn this time after all.

“Josh, I gave up a long time ago trying to understand the strange dynamics of your relationship with Donna. I’m sure I know how you feel about Donna, but I’m also pretty sure that you still haven’t worked out your feelings for her yet, so all I’m going to say is please, you need to talk to her.”

I can tell that Sam is serious, which makes me very uncomfortable. I know that people think they know how Donna and I feel about each other and some days even I think I know what I feel about her, but other days...

“Okay, Sam, I’ll talk to her. Hell, I’m going to see her at work in, ah shit, five and a half hours, so I’ll talk to her then.”  
“No, Josh. Now. Talk to her now.”

“Now? Jesus, Sam, it’s the middle of the night, or middle of the morning depending on your view of these things.”

“Yeah, Josh, because you have never shown up at Donna’s place in the middle of the night before.”

Touché.

However, it has been a while since the last time I drunkenly showed up, banging on Donna’s door in the middle of the night, plus I’m not even really that drunk anymore. I really can’t remember the last time I showed up at her place sober; but, if Sam seems to think that whatever is happening with Donna is important enough for a mid morning visit, I’ll have to trust his judgement.

“Okay, fine you win. I’m going. Can you say bye to CJ and Toby for me?”

“Sure”

“And, I wanna see you before you head back to California. Lunch tomorrow or maybe dinner?”

“Sure, Josh. Just go talk to Donna.”

“I’m going, I’m going.”

I make my way out to the street where almost immediately I get a cab. I give the driver Donna’s address and sit back to contemplate what I’m walking in to. Since Sam was less than forthright with what is going in with Donna, all I know is that it is not a work related issue, which, my Harvard scholar mind deduces, means I am about to have a conversation of a personal nature with Donna.

Without warning, I feel a severe headache coming on, my body’s way of saying: Danger, Danger Joshua Lyman, you are not ready for a serious personal conversation with Donnatella Moss.

And I’m probably not, ready that is, but after 6 years when am I ever going to be ready? Plus, if Sam says something is seriously up with Donna then I owe it to her to suck it up and force myself not to act like the relationship challenged man child that I am – if only for one night at least. So screwing up all my courage, I prepare myself and head up the stairs to Donna’s place.

**

You know what would make my conversation with Donna go a lot smoother?

Having Donna be a part of it.

That’s right; I’m currently having some difficulty locating one Donnatella Moss.

I went to her apartment, but there was no answer and just to make sure that she was safe, you know that she didn’t fall in the shower (the location of most home injuries) and not because I thought she was avoiding me or anything I used my spare key to check her apartment and nothing. There was no one there.

Puzzled and unsure of where to look next, I hailed a cab and headed back to my apartment. I even called the White House thinking that maybe she got a super early start at work, but security confirmed that she wasn’t in yet.

Confused and more than a little concerned, I opened the door to my place. It is 2:27 in the morning, where could she be? I should probably call Sam, maybe he has heard from her, maybe she called him.

Oh.

Well, call off the search parties; I have located one Donna Moss.

*************************************************************************************

God, took him long enough. Well to be fair, he probably went all the way to my apartment first, but I have been so nervous just waiting for him to walk in the door that my nerves are definitely on edge.

“Hi.” I whisper.

Okay, so not the strongest opener given I’ve had almost 2 hours to plan what I was going to say, but at least I have got the conversation started.

“Hi.” Josh whispers back.

Silence.

Followed by more silence.

Okay, so maybe this conversation needs more than a ‘hi’ to jump-start it.

“I’m sorry I ran away, it was rather childish of me.”

“No, Donna. Sam and I were being real jerks, you were right to leave.”

I am standing next to the sofa while Josh remains just inside the doorway. At his last comment, he began to slowly take a few steps towards me and then stopped.

“Oh, Sam. Poor, Sam. He comes all the way to DC for a visit and he walks right into me having a nutty. I better call him to apologise.”

“Sam is fine, Donna.” He takes another step forward towards me, and then stops. “We talked and he’s just really concerned about you. He insisted, in fact, that I talk to you.” 

“What? Sam and you talked? What did he say?” I can’t even keep the panic out of my voice, I don’t think Sam would have said anything, he promised, but Sam is also horrible at keeping secrets.

“No, Donna, Sam didn’t say a thing really, no matter how much I bugged him. He only said that I should talk to you. That you and I need to have a conversation about...things.”

Well, at least Josh didn’t take another step towards me. If I am actually going to spill my emotional guts right now I can’t have Josh invading my personal space. Just being this close to him is unnerving, he looks so good in his jeans and button-up, with the sleeves rolled up above his elbows. Just because I have emotionally detached myself from Josh doesn’t mean that I can’t appreciate the physical... 

“Ah, Donna...?”

Oh, I guess I have been staring at Josh for a while now.

“Yeah?”

“Donna, do you want to...talk?” Josh squeaks out.

Wow, he looks as excited as I am about this whole talking thing. Do I want to talk? No, not really. But do I have to? Yes. I can’t delay the inevitable anymore.

“Yeah, okay, let’s...talk.”

“Okay.” Josh has started to make his way over to me next to the sofa.

“No! Wait, stop!”

“What? What’s wrong?”

“Stay where you are.” Josh stops moving and is about 3 metres away from me, standing at the edge of the living room. “Okay, this is the perfect talking distance. I stay here and you stay there and we talk.”

“The perfect talking distance? Have there been studies done that I am unaware of?”

“Josh!”

“No, really, I hope they are not government sponsored, cause then it would make sense why the Republicans hate us so much.” 

“Josh!” I try again to refocus his attention.

“So, if I were to come any closer, you would be physically incapable of forming words” 

“Yes, probably.” The words leave my mouth before I can stop them.

I can see the smirk forming on Josh’s face, but I don’t care as long as he doesn’t come any closer.

“Okay, okay, no more moving. I am glued to this spot, but by all means please, you go ahead and make yourself comfortable on my sofa in my apartment.”

“Thank you. Okay, here goes...wait; before I start I need you to promise me something.”

“Honest, Donna, I’m not going to move.”

“No, not that, something in addition to the whole not moving thing.”

“Hmm”

“Josh! I need you to promise me.”

“Donna, I don’t even know what you want me to promise so I gonna hold off on all declarations until I know what I’m agreeing to, I mean what if you want my first born or something.”

“Josh, I’m not an evil witch and this is not a Disney film.” Oh, why can nothing ever be easy with this man?

“Donna.”

“Josh.” I might have to break out the pout any second now.

“Fine, you have my promise to do whatever mysterious thing you need from me.”

“Thank you. Okay, so now that you have promised to not say a word until I let you, the thing is...”

“Wait, I’m not allowed to talk? That’s my promise? Well that is not gonna happen. Promise revoked.”

“Josh, you can’t revoke a promise.”

“Why not?”

“Because...because a promise is a promise.” Well that’s a well thought out argument, good job there, Donna.

“Well, you’ve got me there, Donnatella; you truly are a master linguist. A promise is indeed a promise.”

“Josh, please, I need you to not be you for like 5 minutes.” 

He must see something in my face which convinces him how important this is because the next thing I know he is agreeing to stay quiet.

“Okay, Donna, for reasons passing anything resembling normal, I will stand here in my assigned spot, not speaking as directed by you and let you talk.” He even mimes closing a zipper across his mouth to prove his sincerity.

Now that I have Josh exactly where I want him I feel overwhelmingly nervous, like, I might pass out any second. I feel like I’m on the 10 metre diving board back in High School. I wish I could turn around and head back down the ladder and forget about the whole thing, but my exit is blocked by the 10 people in line behind me so I’m forced to suck it up and jump even though I’m absolutely sure that the fall is going to kill me.

I’m terrified that, although what I have with Josh is strange and possibly unhealthy, I do have something with him. I’m so afraid that after what I have to say I may have nothing left at all.

“Well, as you are probably aware, or knowing you completely unaware, I may, at one time have had a very small, very innocent tiny baby crush on you...”

“Donna”

“No talking Josh, you promised.” 

I need to say what I have to say before I have a chance to chicken out. The words are rushing out of me so fast now that I barely stop to take a breath.

“So due to this completely baby sized, insignificant crush I may have had, I erroneously assumed, due to our flirting and bantering that this crush that I felt for you was in some way, you know, umm, reciprocated.”

“Donna.” 

Shit, he has started to walk towards me again.

“Josh! No walking, no talking, you promised. Please just let me get through this.” Deep breaths Donna, you can do this.

“Yeah, so the whole reciprocated crush thing was something that I had...Okay, let me start again, I know that you think that I have been acting strange lately, well, the thing is...and what I am about to tell you is a good thing, so remember that and please don’t let it freak you out or anything. But what I realised lately is that the crush I had imagined you felt in return, ah, you didn’t and that any, umm, feelings you may feel for me are not now nor will they ever be of the crush variety.”

With that I release a huge gasp of air. I did it, I told Josh the truth, and I am still standing. Now things can go back to normal and... Oh, there appears to be someone’s lips on mine.

Obviously, Josh is very stealthy because at some point during my rant Josh broke the perfect talking distance barrier and began kissing me.

I should be wondering why Josh is kissing me, but instead I think I’ll just enjoy the feel of his lips on mine for a while.  
The kiss seems almost tentative at first, as though he is afraid that I might disappear. But it soon becomes apparent to both of us that a tentative kiss is not nearly enough. He pulls me closer and I revel in the pressure of his lips and body against mine.  
I hear a soft moan and am slightly embarrassed to realise that the noise is coming from me. However, my moan seems to have spurred Josh into action as he suddenly has manoeuvred us over to the sofa area and has turned me so I am laying on my back again the sofa.

I can feel Josh’s hand under my shirt, his fingers easing under the band of my bra, teasing the softness of my breast while his mouth continues working against mine, his tongue slipping inside my mouth.

While I would like nothing more that to let Josh’s hand continue its journey I need to know what this is first. I’ve spent the last few months, hell years, denying this moment would, could ever happen that before this progresses any further I need to know what it is so I can mange my feelings and expectations accordingly.

“Josh,” I whisper urgently, “Stop.”

He slowly withdraws his hand from my breast and pulls my shirt down. 

“Do you want me to apologise?” He smirks.

“You’re not sorry.” I answer, trying to make a joke, if nothing else maybe we can get back to safe bantering ground.

“No, I’m not.” He replies and his brown eyes are twinkling mischievously like a boy who just got caught with his hand in a cookie  
jar, which in a way I suppose it was.

“Josh, what is going on here?”

“Well, I may be a little rusty on the whole making out on the couch thing, but I thought were on our way to second base, although I’m a little of touch with what act belongs on which base.”

“Josh, can you be serious for like a minute here?” This man is so exasperating.

“Sorry, there has been no evidence to support me possessing any serious qualities.”

“God damn it Josh. Let me up.” I push again his upper body, which is deceptively muscular and refuses to budge, thus effectively pining me on the sofa.

“Donna, sorry, wait, just wait.” He lets out a huge sigh and appears to be gathering his thoughts.

I stop struggling and wait for him to continue.

“Donna, look, I, damn this, I wish I knew what to say, but, I just...a crush? Really? You think I might have a crush on you?” He spit outs.

All right so the man doesn’t have a crush on me, no need to rub it in. However, he feels something, something physical at least; judging by what I imagine is not a remote control in the front pocket of his jean pressing against my lower stomach.

“What I feel, Donna, is, okay, so we all know that I’m really bad at this and maybe in the past I may have made some less than intelligent decisions in terms of the women that I have dated.”

I can’t even help the snort that escapes me, which only earns me a scowl from Josh. “But,” he continues, “You are not a crush. A crush implies something juvenile and fleeting. You, you are everything...When I walk in to a room the first thing I look for is a blonde head and when I see your blue eyes it doesn’t matter if Leo, the Defense Chiefs, hell, even the President are in the same room, they are all less important than you.”

“Josh...Sometimes, sometimes you say not just the right thing, but the perfect thing”

“I did good, huh?”

“Yes, you did good.”

“So, what I really need to ask you is, will you give me a chance, I’m mean I know I’m not a short Republican.. Ouch, no punching Donna, but despite your violent tendencies I want a real chance with you. I know we can work, I maybe prone to jackasssery but you’re pretty much perfect so I think we can balance each other out. And I don’t know how things will be in terms of work, but I’ll figure it out, I promise if you give me a chance, I’ll figure everything out.” 

“Jackassery? Is that even a word?” I laugh; trust Josh to make a heartfelt declaration while at the same time swearing.

“I’m sorry, which one of us when to Harvard and Yale?” He protests.

“Hmm, some days I’m not sure and I’m convinced you made it all up and really attended a local community college.”

“Donna, as much as I am enjoying this, I did just kinda ask you a pretty important question.”

I pretend to mull it over in my head for a few minutes, let the guy sweat. I can’t seem too eager, I have to keep his arrogance under control any way I can.

“Well, Josh, I guess I could give us a chance, because even though you are an arrogant jackass, I’d like to think that you are my arrogant jackass and it would take me too long to break someone new in.”

“I am yours, you know that right, that despite everything, or may be because of everything that has happened over the years, I am yours, for as long as you’ll have me.”

I smile because I know he’s right. He is mine and I am his.

“So what were you saying about bases again?” I laugh as I slowly pull Josh back down on top of me.

[The End]


End file.
